Behind the Smile
I love Christian concerts. I have a scrapbook collection featuring those I've attended over the last 30 years. This picture was taken a year ago at my first Steven Curtis Chapman concert. Normally, this would have been an extremely joyous time. It's not every day that you get to meet someone that's won five Grammys and more Dove Awards than any other artist in history. You'll notice that I'm smiling, but what was going on behind the smile is another story.
Kristine describes me on that night this way... "You weren't unfriendly, but you weren't you. Your mouth smiled, but your eyes didn't. You barely ate at the restaurant and hardly talked at all. You gave short one-word answers to any questions, showed no excitement, and were constantly afraid that you were being a burden. Any time I looked at you, you were either crying or expressionless." It was evident to her that I was struggling that night, but it was just one of many rough nights for me during that time.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I went through a rough time for a while last year. This concert was at the height of that time, or maybe I should say the low of that time. You see, I was at the lowest of all lows. Upon hearing that, some may ask... "What happened?" While there were many things that contributed to my downward spiral, and I remember the day that I hit my breaking point, the overall answer to the question would have to be…I really don't know. The reason is because it can't always be easily pinpointed. Sometimes our struggles are situational, sometimes spiritual, and sometimes they’re genetic. In my case, it was probably a little bit of everything.
There’s a long history of depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders in my family, some more severe than others. I've battled anxiety since I was young and thought I had outgrown it. When it came back, it came with a vengeance. Medically speaking, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD. Left unchecked, it can lead to depression. Because my family is familiar with it, my girls recognized the signs pretty quickly. They came to me with their concerns and urged me to go to the doctor. I promised them that I would, and I reluctantly followed through. Although I didn't really want to go, I knew I was in trouble. You can only go so long without sleep before it starts affecting everything else in life.
Depression isn't a topic that anyone likes to talk about…especially Christians. I think it’s because we sometimes feel ashamed, and on top of the stress that we’re already feeling, there's the fear that others will look at us as not prayed up enough or not strong enough in our faith. So, we sometimes try to hide it, which causes more issues than we had to begin with.
Have you ever noticed just how many songs on Christian radio relate to the topic of depression or anxiety? SCC sang Don't Lose Heart the night of that concert. Jeremy Camp sings of an Anxious Heart and For King & Country reminds us that God Only Knows what we're going through. I challenge you to pay attention to how many songs deal with struggles people face every day that others may know nothing about. I think you'll find that it's a more common problem than we want to admit. Otherwise, why is it such a hot topic?
These struggles aren't anything new. Pastor Charles Spurgeon wrestled with depression and would sometimes have to take breaks away from the pulpit for a while. Great men of the Bible had times of anxiousness and depressed states: Moses, David, Elijah, Job, Jeremiah.... and although we're never told what the thorn in Paul's flesh was, I've often wondered if it may have been emotional.
My sweet co-worker, Abi, who is wise beyond her years, knew that I was having a difficult time. She left a note for me one day that I keep taped on the wall above my desk. It referenced Psalm 55:22. It tells us to cast our burdens on the Lord. The note was my reminder that no matter what the burden is, we have to give it ALL to the Lord. Especially when we feel that we are the burden.
If you struggle with anxiety or depression, you're not alone. Find someone that you can talk to, see your doctor if you need to, and be sure to give yourself and your problems to the Lord. If you've never had to battle these issues, you're blessed. Remember to always treat each other with respect and kindness, because you never know what others are going through or what they're hiding behind their smile.
Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved. -Psalm 55:22
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. -Ephesians 4:32
Don't Lose Heart - Steven Curtis Chapman
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